I wish I knew how to do that. There are too many ifs and buts and I am afraid of making big decisions (and small)
Oh! If help could come to me... I don't know what to do, I searched some therapists, but can they help me?
And I really don't want to justify myself to my family and there's no way they won't demand justifications, ask questions... I don't want to answear to their question, if I wanted to I would already have talked to them. I feel them too judgy, too critical, too intrusive... I don't want to feel bad about my decisions, I don't want to minimize my intentions for them not think much about it and at the same time feel bad about myself and their judgment. I don't want them asking how it was (and my sister would have a special professional curiosity).
I want to quit my pdoc, but can I? No, always questions. "Oh, yes, she thinks I am schizoid and there's nothing medicine can do for me", "yes, schizoid is someone that doesn't like anyone, that's your daughter/sister, all your life I have been lying to you, you don't matter to me". Instead I choose to say plain things "she asked for you mother, she sends compliments to you sister" - she knows them both. Both patients in the past, one a colleague.
My family is a bit toxic, I like them, I should like them more, I feel they take my air. Feelings are not an OK topic at my house and at the same time there's a non spoken role I have to tell everyhting or my mother has to know everything.
Or can I go to another pdoc around? It's debatable, they know or will know my sister. We look very alike, our last names are unusual. It's a small world with lots of gossip, too much gossip. One thing that I learned is that psychiatrists can be meanest than the general population with colleagues with mental health problems.