Thanks for the responses and suggestions and encouragement. Is always helpful to hear many different sides to an issue.
I agree that most pdocs are doing the best they can with the small arsenal they have to treat this but that doesn't mean that they are not unintentionally making things worse in the long run. It is not my intent to become some anti psychiatry crusader or get rid of all psych meds. I am a mess. Don't follow me, I'm lost too...

I just wonder if any of it is really helping me enough to warrant the high coto my body and psyche. Maybe I would have been better off never having gotten a dx in the first place. Or maybe I would be dead by now. Both scenarios are equally possible.
I know there are no easy or palatable answers to my queries, which is frustrating and scary but I feel like we need to ask the hard and uncomfortable questions even if we don't like the answers or there are no answers. I'm done searching for some magic bullet pill to fix me. I know i am a little fuucked up. I am also smart and feel like I should be able to do better at living than I am.

I wonder maybe this is it- I should just accept that I will always struggle in life and should try to just enjoy and celebrate the successes and good stuff and endure the shiit. Then i think FIUCK THAT. Im not going quietly.

Anyway I realise i am a little all over the place and apologise for my verbosity. I don't really know what to do in re to getting treatment for my mood disorder anymore. I once tried to see a new pdoc and when I mentioned I was sonsiderinj going off meds after a long stability the dr basically said if I wasn't gonna take meds there was no point in continuing to see him. Ugh.

I wish I didn't have so much experience with shiity drs, or that I got better after my first or fourth medication. But it took 3 years of being a guinea pig to get my current "coqtail" of lamictal and Wellbutrin and I don't know if they actually even work anymore.

Anyway, have a good nite. I'm about to leave work and head home. Tired. I only got like 2 1/2 hrs sleep last night bc my brain wouldn't turn off.
Have a good night.