I'm sorry for your loss.

I have some thoughts to offer as someone who lost a sister a few years ago. I actually prefer when people talk about her and ask questions. Most people assume I don't want to talk about it and avoid it altogether, and even change the topic when I bring it up, as if she never existed. And then my grief feels too overwhelming for people and I isolate because it feels to me like everyone needs for her death not to have happened, when it will always take up space in my life, no matter how long it's been.

Everyone is different, so your friend's partner may have a different perspective/feelings on it, and you also need to consider your own boundaries and healing and safety, and what feels right for you, but by expressing your grief, you are not putting anything on your friend's partner. For me it was actually helpful to see other people's grief because mine was so huge; it helped calm my fears that I was being irrational or that I was 'too much' for people. You are letting him see that she was loved. When it comes to figuring out when the right time is to move forward with anything, or to talk about it, you can call just to check on them, and then check in with him about when the appropriate time would be to stop by, to collect whatever it is he wants you to have.

I also think it's important to honour your own process though. If it's still too raw for you, or if you have a lot of guilt or whatever it is that you're experiencing, it may be helpful to process that stuff first. I would trust yourself. It might feel in times like this that people closest to your friend are 'more in need' (for lack of a better term), but taking care of yourself is just as important. You also experienced the loss. There is no right way to grieve, just whatever works for you.

And none of this is to invalidate anything you're feeling or experiencing. Just something to think about. I think it's totally normal that you have all those questions about your friend's life and death. Those are questions most people have. I have been in that situation myself where I was asking a family member of the deceased, and they answered a few of my questions and then informed me they didn't think it was the place or time to be having that conversation. Prior to that it didn't occur to me that my questions would be intrusive because I didn't mean them to be, but then of course she'd probably been asked all those same things by dozens of people already and just wanted her own space to process/grieve. So I think it's great that you have that awareness. One thing you can always do, maybe further down the road, once he and his family have had some time to grieve, is ask if you can ask questions. He may never want to/be able to answer them, but then again he might and then you can get that closure. There's no harm in asking permission.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you healing in the journey to come.