She asked what's been going on. I said a lot and nothing at the same time. Last week was busy, this weekend was busy, and how thankful I was that I had today off. I told her about the conversation I had with H and how I didn't feel recharged after this weekend. She said that it seemed cosmic, today. That it was good that I had the time to take care of myself. She also liked that I went out with friends on Friday.

I don't recall how but in that conversion we transitioned to what I think about. I said it's either me saying terrible things about myself or static, for lack of a better descriptor. Not that I hear things, and not that there's anything wrong with it if I did.

She sang the same song that all therapists do at first. Say nice things about yourself and then eventually...something. I said she wasn't telling me anything that I didn't already know. I've tried, just...

"It feels like you're lying to yourself?" I chuckled and nodded. "I get that. Especially when the tape plays as loud as yours does, anything can trigger the hate. What you need to recognize is that this tape has been playing your entire life. To change the tape is probably going to take a long time. Just give yourself time and be patient with yourself."

Then she asked me if I've always felt the way that I do. I said no, that there are fleeing moments of happiness. A few days or weeks at a time where things will be good, but they're short lived. She said that made sense given my history. I had taken a very long break from therapy, and so I probably wasn't doing a ton of work on myself. I said I avoided therapy for so long because I'd never had a positive therapeutic experience. Even now I don't know that I have.

"Even not with RoboT?" I shook my head. "Then why stay a year?" I acquiesed. Things weren't always terrible with him, but recency bias and all. She said it sounded like the journey with him was about understanding why I operate the way I do. Now that I understand myself better its time to fill up the toolbox.

I said I wanted to, that I am very motivated to change, but at the same time I don't. This has been a very hard year for me. I told her about my conversation with H when I'd decided to terminate with RoboT. That I didn't want to go anymore to therapy, that I would never change. He said I was wrong. That in our relationship he's seen me climb K2. Now it's time to climb K1. "But I don't want to climb. I'm tired."

"Okay, maybe we don't climb then. Maybe we just set up base camp to get you stabilized. Because would you agree with me that you aren't stable right now?" Yes, absolutely.

"You mentioned ideations last week. I wanted to talk about that a little bit." I said that it was frustrating, the amount I think about it. When I started with RoboT I wasn't in that place, and now I am. It's gotten worse in the last 6 months. She asked what types of things trigger the ideations or the attempts. I said mostly it stems from relational issues. Perceptions of rejection or abandonment.

"So it sounds like these thoughts are impulsive like you said. That's concerning. How am I to know if you're going to be safe?"

I laughed. I don't know! I said that my answer was going to be wholly unsatisfactory, but that she would need to trust me. That deep down, I want to live. She said that was unsatisfactory and made a face.

She asked me to give her an example of a time where I get triggered in a way that would make me consider suicide. I told her about one attempt a little over 10 years ago. She did that whole thing did sound invalidating.

She asked if there are things that happen in my daily life that take me to a 10. I said when H gets mad at me and refuses to talk to me. She recommended a couple of DVD things that can help with that feeling when it happens. Sitting in discomfort and some acronym I'll look up later.

For some reason the idea of sitting in uncomfortable feelings made me really anxious. She said that's normal, it'll be hard and I won't like it. But she said it sounds like an important thing for me to do because right now the path (trigger>feeling>urge>action) seems almost automatic. She said it makes sense given my history. That my limbic system is easily over stimulated and that what I need is for my prefrontal cortex to have a little bit of time to process. Since apparently those two parts of the brain can't work together.

"Okay, but how do I get my limbic system to chill out?"

"Base camp, remember? We'll get there, but we need to stabilize."

And that was it. I'm booked through the end of November, so I guess that means I like her well enough.