I need an emoticon for "so flooded with thoughts and feelings that I don't know what to do with myself."

In today's session, well, we first touched on my food restriction, because Group T called C and told him I was still restricting. But, in any case, we spent half the session creating my "list of traumas" or... "list of the stuff I need to cover." IDK.

It was upsetting, because, you know...trauma. And talking about intrusive thoughts. But, what I'm mostly hung up on right now (and have already emailed C about before posting here) is that he asked me in the end if I was sure I wanted to do this. Which, I can only seem to hear as "I don't think you should do this" and "I don't want to do this." I know it's not what he meant, but I had to email, because it hurts.

Also, he made a stupid slip up and said something like "I had thought there would be more," which I called him out on and said "was it not enough?" He said he'd realized what he said would be misinterpreted right after it came out of his mouth. We laughed about it mostly. Except it is still sticking with me. Like...is that the reason he doesn't think we should/doesn't want to do this with me?

But, no... I mean, logically, I know this is not what he meant...none of this is what he meant. But I need to hear that from him.

And I feel stupid and small and sad and scared, and I want him to tell me he's still there and it's all going to be ok. So. You know. Also, I may have come home and had a hard cider on an empty stomach, so my emotions are flowing unfiltered.