Thank you

staying present is something that i constantly battle with and tried to work on with my last therapist but i think i didnt really do well with it and maybe let the therapist down even :/
its really hard though because i'll be ok and then the next thing i know its like im in my mind somewhere else, it happens so often and so fast that i just dont realize it and have a really hard time noticing and controlling it and i really only start to realize that i've drifted away or left when i start to come back again and i get annoyed or aggravated sometimes which kind of makes it worse because i just want it to stop but fighting it like that seems to make it have more control over me or maybe i just try fighting it in a negative way and it just has negative effects... i dunno..

i have been doing well with communicating with her until this afternoon when i started getting triggered by other people again..
now im scared again and feel like i dont know what to do... i dont want to show these things to her or scare her by coming off as a monster even though i feel like one a lot of times i really try hard to convince myself that i am not...

i just feel like i dont know what to say but feel like if i dont say anything she'll take it the wrong way and now im having worries... im afraid if i do try to talk i know what will come out, that i am in this triggered state and end up talking about things i dont want to talk about... or well want to talk about but feel like i dont want to talk about or shouldnt talk about because its bad to talk about or... i dont even know how to explain the thought process

just going through so much inside of me and having alot going on outside still trying to survive this place i live and survive in this world too .. i just wonder if things would be different if i lived in a better environment away from the chaos and drama but kind of feel like i wouldnt escape because its implanted inside of me and now im kinda feeling like i might be dragging someone else into it which makes me feel bad because i dont want to hurt anyone, i love people and hate hurting anyone... always just wanna help people and make everyone happy

makes me feel dizzy and confused

im not sure i am strong lucyjon, i am just stubborn...
much love