Thank you for your replies to my post. Sincerely.

I didn't really remember posting this at two o'clock on that morning. It came to me when I woke up the next morning and I went back and read my post.

This is really a very hard place for me. It feels like this is the hardest and most resistant part of me so far. It hurts.

It's like I know that I want it, trust and honesty, but I'm terrified of it.

I don't know it.

I don't know what it feels like or what the experience is.

I have no knowledge of what it looks like or feels like.

I do know that I want to know it and experience it.

A mental image -

I'm there and watching or in a place that I want to be real and honest and open.

There is a glass wall in front of me and I'm straining to make it happen, wanting it.

Numb.

I'm banging my head on the glass, numb and so alone.

I don't know how.

It's panicky feeling.

It feels like if I can't get past this I will never be ok.

Not whining or asking for attention.

Just being real.