I have been torn apart internally feeling confused about my self/self worth and everything I live with.

I find it disgusting but just irressistable at times if I feel vulnerable in any way as a guy. I am at the will of my mind from the patterns of lots of sexual abuse.

This pertains to I am scared as a an adult child to have any boundaries. I dont let anyone touch me that makes me feel uncomfortable or try my best.
My wife knows how bad i have it.

I struggle with for example when I'm depressed or feeling abandoned or reminded of my familiar pain of all my abuse. I'm turned the most on when someone else is hurting me in many ways and most are not sexual acts in nature.

Its also came to my attention I crave a mother figure too, my wife fills in that role for me out of love. She thankfully listens and accomodates my emotional needs.
I just hate having it, because my mother was a narcassist she let me be raped and repeatedly barred helping me when it happened to "just forget about it" attitude when i was 4 to all other sexual assualts done to me from then to when i was 19 by different people.

I feel like i have had no mother all my life. I try to suffice it with my wife, because i didnt have sexual feelings towards my mom. My wife even caught my mom checking me out inappropriately without me knowing before we moved away from her and it breaks my heart.

I lived my life as a male whose sole existence is to be used for sex.
Most of my fantasies are harm done to me sexually, psychologically/emotionally, and anything that will traumitizes and hurts me is what my body craves.

I always feel gross and not in my skin recently i just lost hope in any way of recovery.
I hate how i feel suicide sometimes comes into my fantasies and it always plays out like i deserved it all.

I hate how i have no one to talk to about it. I cant afford a therapist or insurance, but everyday is a struggle that i cant see what others see in me.

Ive been so attuned to the abuse for so long I hate admitting most of my growth emotionally as a child had been destroyed.

Ive been assaulted by 5 different people in my life.
My life feels a mess i cant take care of myself i internalize everything because there is too much to talk to anyone and my emotions are wrecked under my ego i keep everyone out of my business that i dont want people to find out as a guy that both men and women have harmed me and that I feel like no matter who loves me I dont see a fully functional adult.

I see a f***** up kid whose let so many people trample me while i was seeking love and prefer being an object for pleasure.

I hate it how it feels ingraved in my wellbeing my mind and everywhere i go like a stench you cant clean or rid of.