I'm sorry that your mom is gone. I've been through that, so I know it is hard. One thing I would say is this: Your grief does honor to your mother. I've worked with elderly folks in nursing homes, and I've watch lots of families up close. I've seen families who kept vigil at the bedside and grieved deeply. I've seen mothers whose kids never showed up, whose passing didn't seem to grieve anyone. How sad that is.

Here is something else that will do honor to your mom: With time, you will complete the immediate grieving and you will find your way out of the awful sorrow you feel now. The love your mom gave you will actually last you your whole life. You will find yourself strong in that love. Then you will discover how great your mother's love really was. It has left you stronger than you realize. Someday you will find joy in remembering your mother. I won't explain how that happens because I can't. It is a miracle. It happened to me. When my mother passed, it was sudden and unexpected. I couldn't believe the pain. I called anyone I could think of who had lost a mother to ask if the pain ever subsides. They were right. It does, but it takes time. Your heart does heal.

I have seen a few individuals who stayed stuck in the grief for years and years. Their big problem wasn't grief over the loss of a mother. They had other big problems. Their pain really was from other things that got all mixed up with their grief. I knew a man who used to harm himself every year on the anniversary of his mother's passing. That kind of thing does not honor a mother. I had a couple of relatives who failed to cope with life, after losing their mothers. They just had never learned to cope in the first place.

I don't know what people are talking about when they say you are supposed to "deal with" the loss of someone you loved very much. I don't know what that means. I don't remember doing anything to "deal" with the losses I suffered through. I experienced the grief. In time, it hurt much less. I still miss those I loved who are gone. But, now, I enjoy my memories of them. I'm so glad I had them in my life. I wish they weren't gone, but I know it must be that way. I don't know what this "dealing" business is.

Being in a state of grief doesn't relieve you of your responsibilities. You cut yourself some slack for awhile. Then you go back to dealing with your obligations. That's what you "deal" with. You do the things you know you are supposed to do. That actually helps you recover because you discover that you are not broken. You are capable. You get through one day at a time. You clean up, make yourself something nourishing to eat, and stay in contact with those who mean something to you. Sometimes you cry - maybe a lot. It's part of what you go through.

I hope you have family who care about you. It is very hard, if you don't. Then you have to make your own family.

Let us know how you're making out.