I feel as if I want to go somewhere away from the troubles in this word. Part of the reason I keep to myself and not to allow others to see the real me. Fear of rejection, judgement, etc. Yet, I know that this is unrealistic and if I keep to myself I will dive deeper in my loneliness and despair.
Unfortunately IU told me they can't help me with a therapist. It seems I'm going to have counsel myself, which is unhealthy. I will have to set up a meeting with my priest which for some reason scares me. I've had meetings with him before and he even took a psychology class when I told him about my B.P.D. My priest is like a dad and he's been one of the greatest loves in my life. I even mentioned how people say I'm a good person and they don't know the real me. He then asked, "Who is the real Brian(real name)?". I couldn't answer. I then told him how I Know that there's a darkness in me and it scares me, "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling". He just smiled at m, "Brian, the fact you know your faults and passions is a good thing. Many people don't even see that they have passions and faults."

It's difficult to get through this world. Seeing injustices and he pain others cause us, especially ones that we love. My stepdaughter doesn't seem to care about me anymore. She no longer seems to want to spend quality time with me. This is the most difficult heartbreak I am going through. Yet I will always love her. Anyone else that has hurt me like she has I would have cutout of my life. I still have a "candlelight of hope" that she will someday realize how much I sacrificed for her, Love is sacrifice.

Anyway try to hang in there. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your heart, mind, and soul." The hardships this world brings us, if we can get through will make us stronger. May not seem like it, but eventually once our hearts slowly heal. We will be stronger and wiser. Peace be with you and realize you are not alone in this world. You have a purpose in this world. You have gifts to give to this world to make it a brighter place. I have to remember this and need to remember to keep the hope, the faith, and especially the love.