I'm not in a good space today. I've been trying to be honest to my therapist about irrational thoughts I've been having but only managed to say a couple and was too embarrassed to say the others because I know they sound ridiculous.
I feel really trapped in my head at the moment. those thoughts, which I feel like I can't tell anyone because they'll think I'm crazy, and other thoughts which people will think similar things about. I am angry at people and things around me really often and often have violent fantasies about what I "want" to do to the people I'm angry with. I don't think I would do anything, because I know I would feel guilty, but my thoughts go there anyway. I worry that if I tell this to anyone, especially my therapist or doctor, they will immediately freak out and want to put me in hospital or dramatically increase my meds.

although I feel like sh-- today, overall i'm not doing terribly. I'm holding down part-time work and not failing my college course. I'm not planning on suicide. i just feel like what the f can i do... i'm damned if i keep the thoughts to myself because then they just drive me crazy, but damned if i talk about them because then i'm almost positive i'll get into "trouble" for them ie: have to deal with something unpleasant like additional meds or hospital or something. previously when I have confided similar things to people it has caused chaos. things like this also make me wish i didn't have a family, because the worst about that kind of chaos is when your family turns up and looks at you in this disappointed, weary way. that's the main reason i never want to get into psychiatric trouble again. just don't want my family emotionally involved, and since they are financially involved in my life, if I emotionally can't cope, they automatically become emotionally involved when there are hospital bills or medical insurance claims.