Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby2011
Everyone I've ever looked up to walked out on me. They say I never leave them alone and always bother them. And almost every friend I've ever made were fair weather friends. They were only my friends when times are good and things are going well. At the first sign of hard times, they ditch me.
Recently, yet another person turned on me bc I looked up to her. Right now, I still feel I need a role model but at the same time, I'm too scared to let anyone else in. Likewise, I'm also afraid to make any more friends bc they will all ditch me during hard times.
THis is how I'm not like other people. Everyone else are able to make good friends who'll be there for them even (esp) during hard times. Everyone else also gets positive reactions from whoever they look up to.
Yet, I'm still grateful to be alive and breathing. I still try to see the good in everyone, even though it gets harder each day. And I'm grateful to still have what I have right now. I still have a few good friends, although it's too early to tell if they're really true friends. I've been ditched too many times.
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Oh yeah I relate to this. This is going to be complicated but I guess I'll just say things out loud here, take them with a grain of salt though because I may not be totally correct on all of this.
I've had abandonment issues for as long as I could remember. It seemed that everyone would turn their backs on me whenever things get hard, and every time I reached out, people would find me to be too much and just leave me. So I definitely, 100% relate.
BUT - although it's healthy to reach out for support, I began to realise that it's very important to strike a balance. It is never somebody else's job or responsibility to solve your problems or be a role model or therapist to you. It is good for friends to be helpful, kind, and supportive during hard times, but people also have their own lives, problems, and often a limited amount of psychological strength to try and solve others' issues. There's a difference between asking for someone to be there for you during hard times, and expecting them to take responsibility for your life and what you need to deal with. I'm saying this from someone who has been abandoned again and again. It's a hard and bitter truth to swallow but I was at fault too. It wasn't ALL my fault and I forgave myself for doing some of the things I did before, but I wasn't totally blameless either.
I recently began setting better boundaries - I do feel okay asking for support and help and occasionally venting my problems to friends, but I also make it clear that I don't expect them to feel responsible for them, that I'm grateful for a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on, but that I don't expect them to have to be there all the time - because I understand that some people just can't do that. My friends are human beings too. I've taken to telling my friends that if they really need to step away from my problems and hard times, they absolutely can tell me that and I can respect that. Sometimes my friends are going through really tough times too, and we try to be there for each other, but we understand that adults do need to take responsibility for their own lives to a certain extent.
I do talk to my friends when I'm going through difficult things, but I also learn what it's more acceptable to not just do that, but also reach out to therapists and support groups on more serious matters.
Balance is the key. Feeling like you can't talk to your friends about anything that's bothering you is unhealthy, but expecting them to be there for you every second, listen and solve every problem, and bear the responsibility of your life, is also unhealthy to another extent. I hope this doesn't come across harsh because I don't mean it to be that way. I'm just speaking from experience that learning to set healthy boundaries and balanced relationships ended up really improving the connections I had with other people. I'm still working on it, and it's not easy, but I'm getting there.
Wishing you all the best. You deserve to have friends who don't abandon you, and who care about you even through the tough times. Healthy relationships are the key, and I hope you don't feel like this reflects badly on you and your worth. It doesn't. Take care.
