I can totally relate...sorry for what you’re going through....I also do not like being touched which creates anxiety in any and all intimate relationships. I was abused at age 10 by my best friend and in terms of sexuality feel frozen at this age. I was also what I believe could be considered being molested by a physician when I was 21 and it totally F’d me up and I subsequently retreated from intimacy with my finances at the time resulting in her dumping me. I can also relate to the degrading fantasies of wanting to be hurt and punished for what I perceive are my own faults