Accidentally clicked the like, sorry.
I look at it bit differently. For myself, I hope I'm never where I used to be, because I wan't every moment to be new.
In hospital, a therapist spoke of keeping my SI and depression as if it were a security blanket, because I always knew it was there, familiar and consistent. That changed my thinking a lot, knowing that I was just in a circle of self-loathing.
You're in a rough patch, but still reaching out. I don't have the right words for you, but I can tell you that I care and other people do too.
I think you need to figure out a doctor's appointment. You can have them bill you and just pay as you can afford it each month. I have huge hospital bills and I pay them $5 a month, but when all my medical bills add up, I'm still paying out around $40 a month. They cannot sue you for medical bills add long as you tell them you have very little and can only make "good faith payments." Some places will allow you to request "extra help to pay" which, if you qualify, they simply write it off, and end up ahead on it financially, because they write off the entire visit at a full cash, uninsured, value