Hey, everyone---I have suffered from recurrent bouts of depression and anxiety since I was a teenager, and I also have social anxiety disorder. I also have PMDD(premenstrual dysphoric disorder), so once a month, my depression and anxiety become extreme. Anyway, I'm engaged, recently turned 36, and my biological clock may have just started ticking. I always thought I wanted to have one child, but now I'm scared. All of my life, my mother told me that when I have a child, my life will be over and I won't matter anymore(my mom has a history of being verbally abusive with me, so it's no surprise to me that motherhood didn't make her happy). Since I've heard that from the time I was a child, I've always felt this need to achieve all of my dreams and do everything that makes me happy before my "life ends." From what I've heard and read on the Internet, I'll never do any of the following again if I have a child: shower on a regular basis, go to the bathroom by myself, have a social life, have a good marriage, have a successful career, have time to myself(I'm an introvert so this is scary), read, have any hobbies, etc. The scariest of all is the sleep deprivation. As I have PMDD, I'm already at a higher risk of postpartum depression, and I'm terrified of how sleep deprivation may affect my mental health. I want to cry when I hear parents talk about going four nights or more without sleeping as if it's an annoyance and no big deal. For me, those four nights could be the difference between me being healthy or going into a psychiatric ward. I'm also scared of the constant judgment mothers seem to face to no matter what choices they make. Despite all this, there is still a part of me that wants to have a child. Can anyone relate to my feelings? If you have children, how did you manage the sleep deprivation on top of having a mental illness? How did you manage postpartum depression? Those are my biggest fears of all. I'm afraid that no matter what I choose, I'm going to end up unhappy.