YOO sorry for asking you all so many dumb questions. Just, everyone on here seems so experienced and maybe someone can give me their tips.

Don´t tell me i´m silly or that i should just accept the past, i refuse to accept the past and i just need advice on how to forget it, as much as is possible.

This is gonna be long. Also disclaimer, i don´t mean to sound like ”oh poor me” i take full responsibility for how gross i was, and i know horrible things happen to young girls sometimes and i aint comparing this to that.

When i was around 13-14 and 15, i had a habit of talking to old men online. By ”talking” i mean both talking, but mostly having cybersex. And by old, i mean like 50 years old. I met them on tumblr, because i had a softcore pornblog with revealing pictures of myself. Also put my usernames on random websites for sex and literally got undressed for anyone and everyone on camera. They´d send me heaps of penis videos and tell me to do certain sexual acts. I´d do it, feeling a rush in my mind but not feeling ANY arousment in my body. It just hurt and i could be crying at the same time i put things inside of me while they were watching. Sorry for the gross visual.

I feel dirty. Gross. Like a slut. I want to be innocent, pure.
I did it because i was lonely and sad. I liked the attention. It made me feel attractive. After awhile though, i didn´t even like it. I just felt horrible. My evening routine was basically ”cut myself, have internet sex with horny dude online, wake up in the morning and regret everything”

I don´t blame those men at all, they were just old with weird issues and wanted me to call them daddy. I mean it was consentual so. I blame myself though, wish i could turn back time and have those things undone. I hate myself for doing it.
Usually i never think of it, i´ve managed to pretend it didn´t happen. But sometimes things bring it up and.

Basically my question is: How do i forget the bad and disgusting things i did? How can i feel or be pure again?