I don't really know what to say since I don't really talk to people and I've been on forums for different things before without finding them helpful. But here I am. I sometimes doubt I have depression because it's not as bad as what I've read about others. I can force myself to do things and I eat/sleep fine. I've been on escitalopram (generic Lexapro) for 4 wks now and things seemed to be starting to get better but then I had this anxious feeling I couldn't shake and started drinking again after not for 10+ months. Suicide hotline is a joke and made me feel 10 times worse... just like the last time I had called. I have people who love me but I'd rather live for myself than for someone else. Plus I don't feel as though I am able to talk to anyone, although I know I can. I feel trapped, stuck in mud, or wedged between 2 rock walls. Therapy hasn't been helping yet, it also didn't help the last time I tried it either. I don't plan on killing myself but then sometimes I find myself thinking, "that would be a good place to hang myself" or I find myself wrapping a cord around my neck and pulling until I hear noises in my neck, just to see. I don't know...