First off, this is disgusting, but I haven't showered in five days.

I spend my days laying on the couch with my cat who is dying of liver failure. I used to check out on remeron. But now I'm not on remeron and was switched to topamax for sleep, but topamax doesn't work so I can't check out so I just lay there. And then I get up and pace around and freak out, like today the negative entity was putting thoughts into my head about cutting myself with a knife. I burned some paper telling it to go away and it seemed to work for the time being, but I can still feel it watching me. I can always feel it watching me, from every reflection, everywhere.

I just want to lay around and sleep ALL OF THE TIME. I should be doing things. Not wasting my life away. I was being creative. But now I'm getting depressed as ****, but yet agitated. I have zero energy. I don't even have any energy to conjure up positive positive energy so I'm just ****ed against the forces of the negative entity.

I know I need to go back on haldol because that makes it go away, but that also makes my creativity go away. And my last suicide attempt was because I couldn't stand the thought of living the rest of my life without my creativity.

I don't know what to do.

I'm calling my pdoc tomorrow though.

This cannot continue.

If I would have been able to find a sharp enough knife today I would have cut myself. If I would have had access to a ton of pills I would have had another suicide attempt.

I'm just getting sick of this.