My story is a long one, I'll understand if you don't read it all.

I got married when I was 19 but even then I knew that what I had wanted (education, a future family, a future business).

So that we could get on our feet, I joined the Military. My ship was a pre-commissioned ship (I joined the Navy) so the hours got long and the stress was high. The year we got Commissioned, we were actually home maybe 48 days that year before December.

During that time, we went through a lot of stress. Originally my husband had been scheduled to also go into the Military but he didn't because he had 'back problems', so he didn't work at all at first. Let me tell you, being an E-1 in the military and supporting two people is very difficult.

He was NOT my pillar of support. If I was stressed, he would become more stressed, so then I would have to calm down and help him calm down. He had been loving at first in the marriage, but as the first year went on and I started gaining weight, as the days became longer and I became more stressed, the less sympathetic he seemed.
We would have issues/arguments. I would try and sit down with him and talk, but he'd never say anything. I would talk and talk and talk and he'd just sit there, staring at me. When I'd ask him to say something, anything, he would go "I don't have anything to say, what do you want me to say?"

So the issues rarely were resolved. I started trying more to convey my feelings to him, he said I nagged him too much and that I was never happy.

Some of the arguments were over me wanting to start a business and wanting children. He said he hated children and wanted nothing to do with them. He said starting a business was too risky and that it was doomed to fail and I'd make us go bankrupt. There was never compromise, it was what he wanted, always.

Even in little things, he always got what he wanted. When we had originally talked about rings, I had said that I wanted White Gold to compliment the engagement ring. He wanted yellow gold because it looked like "The One Ring" from Lord of the Rings. Eventually, we decided to just go with White Gold. When we were at the Court House for the wedding, he shows up with a Yellow Gold ring saying that he couldn't get anything else. I had to go trade in his ring for a gold ring, pay extra, just so he could gloat and be happy about him having his 'One Ring'.

Then came my new supervisor and shortly after that, an E-5 who took one look at me, said I wasn't 'doing enough' and did nothing but pick on me and belittle me and talk about me behind my back to said supervisor. Supervisor yelled at me for very minor mistakes...or any mistake for that matter, but never really yelled at those higher than me that would make mistakes, not be on time, etc. Basically, she treated me like an incompetent child and the E-5 (who later became assistant supervisor for becoming buddy-buddy with her) continued to treat me even further like crap, even going so far as to verbally curse me out in front of everyone in the office over something that wasn't my fault.
There was more stress before the supervisor came in at work but that'll just make the story longer. Let's just say I went through a lot of emotional stress to have her come in and give me twice as much as I had just dealt with.

I stopped eating. I slept horribly. I started 'seeing' things out of the corner of my eyes. Being alone frightened me, being alone in the dark was absolutely horrifying to me. I gained a substaintional amount of weight.

When I'd go home, I'd tell my husband. Most of the time he'd just say "I'm sorry to hear that." with little emotion. After a while it was: "Yeah, we know already, you hate the Navy. It's getting old." or "You only say it everyday." and then he would say that and just sigh or roll his eyes.

I felt alone. When we were underway so much, I'd ask my husband if he missed me, or to e-mail me and let me know how he was doing. He'd send me one liners saying that he didn't know what to say and when it came to missing me, he said he just didn't think about it and it helped. It made me feel unloved and unwanted, on top of getting yelled at all the time by my supervisor.

I became suicidal. It seemed like everything was my fault and I was the problem. I had issues remembering anything, my temper was short, I wanted to cry all the time and I hated myself.

My husband, at that time, wanted to leave me. Our sex life had come to a halt, mostly because the ONLY time he was affectionate with me was when he wanted sex. We never did any positions unless it was positions he wanted to do. All the ones I liked (which was me on top) didn't 'feel good' to him. When our sex life stopped, he became grumpy and emotional, saying that I didn't find him appealing anymore and it pissed him off.

He had started talking to this girl that we had both met online. They both had an attraction to each other. They talked on the internet all the time, she was calling him all the time, etc. He said there was nothing going on, but he had a history of being attracted to women who were attracted to him and 'nothing' going on (when in fact, the one time I PAYED for him to go see said friend, they had gotten drunk and made out with each other. He didn't tell me that until six months after the fact).

I went to therapy because I didn't feel like me anymore. They put me on medication (Zoloft) and diagnosed me with Clinical Depression. I almost got kicked out of the military for attempted suicide (I had tried to slit my wrists). But the arguments continued.

After every therapy session I talked to my husband about it; he'd become VERY defensive and angry with me. I told him that we should BOTH go, but he was trying to get into the military again and refused, saying it would look bad on him.
Nothing I did was good enough. I didn't cook food the right way, I didn't wash clothes the right way, I didn't fold his shirts just the right way. I could watch 100 of his favorite movies and if I didn't exactly like 1, he'd say we have nothing in common and would stop trying to share his likes with me, but he NEVER liked anything I liked and I had to deal with it because he wasn't going to like it.

Eventually, I realized that after 3 1/2 years, that if I couldn't make him happy, someone out there wouldn't mind someone like me. He kept saying he wanted a divorce, that he wanted to be with other women and 'explore' and that he was bored with marriage. After trying to change myself for him and go through therapy, I finally gave up and said 'okay'. I filed the petition for divorce and he was happy.

Then it all changed.

I took my car back and began to split the finances between me and him. I got paid much more than he and he was a bit surprised by this. I began taking him to work instead of him taking me. I began to hang out with friends that I didn't before because I spent all my time with him. His friends, after a night where he got drunk and treated me like utter %#@&#! in front of everyone, stopped calling him to come over. He became angry and bitter.

He resorted to drinking more heavily and being very angry and bitter towards me when I'd come home from work. A few months later I met my current boyfriend and sparks flew. I stopped hanging around at the house because it was stressful. I was confused, he had wanted the divorce right? He said he wasn't 'in love' with me right? He had his girlfriend on the side right? I mean, he treated her a helluva lot better than he treated his own wife right?

One day he calls me. It was all a lie. He really did love me and he was just insecure because he thought he wasn't good enough. He wanted children all of a sudden, and that girl that he was talking to all the time? He was talking to her about me and what he should do about our failing relationship. He had been mean to me on purpose because he had wanted to push me away and make me leave him.

I told him that I didn't feel the same way anymore (and I hadn't, oh the miracle of Zoloft and clearing my head!). At the time, it was because I had made my decision to move on and be with my wonderful boyfriend, who has been a pillar of support since day one. His response was to start drinking even more, his sarcastic comments towards me becoming more vicious.

Eventually, I became tired of coming home and him being passed out only for me to drag him to the bathroom to throw up. When he started crying and saying he was sorry, saying that he didn't mean to do and say all those things...I felt suddenly afraid, as if I was in a very dangerous situation because it was the same speech that would be 'traditional' for abusive people to say to their significant others.

I sent him home to his mother. The rest of the story isn't so important beyond him going from angry and bitter towards me, accusing me of not being there for him and being a big ***** for kicking him out, to calling me up to apologize for everything and then just plain indifference to me after I told him (once again) that I didn't want to get back together.

As of the 7th of this month, I am officially divorced. I am with a loving boyfriend that supports me and cherishes me, but I'm still having issues.

People keep telling me that my ex husband was abusive to me emotionally, and that it's affecting me. I don't have the positive outlook on relationships like my boyfriend does. I have problems now being intimate (I went off my Zoloft because it was causing me to twitch) when before I had no such problems(with my current boyfriend). Since I've been off the Zoloft I've started to decline. I want to cry for no reason. I get angry about the things my ex used to do or about the things my supervisors did to me. My boyfriend wants to marry me eventually and while he wants me to go at my pace, where before I felt thrilled to begin a new life with him, I now find myself becoming more and more scared and doubtful.

Was I truly abused or am I blowing this out of porportion? Why is it now that I'm having these problems with intimacy and commitment when before I was all for it? My boyfriend says that the Zoloft made me unemotional and unreactive and he's afraid that I'll have a bad side effect (twitching, shaking, stuttering, nervousness) if I start taking it again.
My life is a lot better now. I'm divorced, I've transferred from that horrible place with my abusive supervisors, but I seem to be becoming more and more depressed and apprehensive. That fear of being alone in my apartment is coming back, I'm starting to see things out of the corner of my eyes again and I keep getting horrible images in my head of frightening things that my mind tries to make me believe are real and will actually harm me.

I'm going back to my T but I'm so confused as to why I'm regressing instead of improving.

Can someone help me/give me advice?