For the last few months I've felt a little "off"...but have avoided acknowledging what exactly im feeling. Lately random thoughts of suicide have popped into my head. I'm afraid to tell anyone because I dont know what to say. "hey. i keep having intense thoughts about killing myself" isn't exactly a conversation starter. I expect my friends to just say "okay. what do you expect me to say/do??" and then I feel even worse. blah. But tonight at work I couldn't get this image out of my head: me, in my prom dress, after prom, alone...with a gun in my mouth. Then I pull the trigger. I even started asking around about how to obtain a gun, legally and not legally. I'm not sure if I should talk to my friends first (when I have no clue how to say it anyway) or get help or what. i'm so confused...and so afraid of what i might do.

Honestly I try to come up with a reason and I can't...I don't know why I feel so terrible. People love me, I think...I just got accepted by my dream college and it's at the same level as like..harvard and stanford and such. But for some reason I still feel so...worthless. why am I worthless? and why can't i tell anyone that i feel this way..oh god i'm so confused =*[

I just wrote this...

Beautiful Catastrophe

Swirling amidst the made up bodies, decorated frames
sweat glistening beneath the splash of lights
faces flash before her amidst a sea of blurring names,
manequins built for this masquerade.
A princess she posed before the mirror
in one last muse of hideous critique.
Snapshots rang in her ears while thoughts tangled with fears.
With utterances like wings in flight, the camera's shutters flew.
But then a second sound stole in, a sound thus heard by few.
What innocence lay in those photographs, so distant now by memory
has melted into the crimson image, shards of what never could be.
There's pity in these merciless drops of chartreuse
in one last night of beauty with nothing left to lose.
A dancing queen at last she graced the floor
and heads frozen now turned as she paced to the door.
In her image of beauty, the epitome of grace
Found this bullet of time beneath a blood spattered face.