I feel like I've talked about most of this stuff over and over with someone, whether it be on PC or my T. And its just a never ending cycle. I wish I could be tougher, not care so much, just accept who I am and what my life is like, but I will always feel badly when I lose people, or feel rejected, or when I feel lonely. I wish I were different, but that's how it is.

Anyway, sorry for burying the lead. I just ended a friendship with someone I really care about tonight because I felt he was putting in 10% while I was putting in the rest. He has a lot of his own MH issues, is agoraphobic, works from home, and gets lost in his own head a lot, but I just couldn't take having my texts go unresponded to for over a week. I know for sure this wasn't malicious; he even does it to family. But I realized that, while I was attempting to meet his needs, mine were totally neglected. I don't have many friends, but I can't spend my energy in that way, either.

So, hurt after my conversation with him in which I had to say goodbye, I texted the only person who'd be awake: My half-sister who lives in another time zone. Backstory is that I'm not super close to family; there is a huge amount of rejection there. I have tried pretty danged hard to keep relationships mended, but my aunt (who was like my mother whom I have no contact with), and my father (whom I only met 6 years ago) don't want anything to do with me. Much longer story behind that. Also just met my half-sisters 6 years ago. We just decided this year that we want to try and have a relationship. But I mean...it's basically over Facebook. That's it. No one calls me, no one reaches out. It's allll me. Anyway, I texted my sister because, honestly, I was crying my face off and just needed someone to talk to. She didn't want to because it was too late.

I am just gutted right now. I feel like an absolute loser. I lost a friend tonight. I feel like my family doesn't give a S about me (but I feel that way all the time). And the friends I do have are pretty unreliable. I was just talking about all of this with my T today...and realized that I don't even know what it looks like to have a relationship/friendship with a mutual give and take. You know, where they lean on me and I lean on them. Where they call me, and I call them. Where maybe it isn't 50/50 but it sure as hell isn't 90/10 with me being the 90. I feel as though people are only in my life because they feel sorry for me.

Anyway. That's all. Usually I can be pretty strong and just live with it--I don't mind doing things on my own and have goals and aspirations that don't include other people. I enjoy my loner life, most of the time. But sometimes it just breaks me down to a point that I can't handle. And that's why I'm posting.