Intense session, but not in the way that I expected.



I am intensely frustrated at my inability to talk about my emotions. R and I had a much lighter session than I was anticipating. I told her that I have been doing research into the Stress Cycle and what happens when the body doesn’t get a chance to return to baseline.



‘I happen when the body doesn’t get a chance to return to baseline.’



R noted again that when I intellectualise things – ‘and it is almost like you are studying yourself’ – my body language changes and I speak more fluently. I told her about my friend’s visit last week, and she picked up on the fact that I am still trying to protect my friend, even though she really wants to know what is going on for me.



From there, I said ‘I have one experience of a completed cycle or maybe more. In April 2007, when I became aware that Chris was immediately, no, imminently going to…’



‘Can I just stop you there? You seem to have difficulty saying certain words.’

‘When I discovered that Chris was going to die, I paced the space between the door and the bookshelf ten times. Then I sat down with a cup of tea and my hands were shaking violently, to the point where I couldn’t hold the cup…but there was movement. Now I know there is a week in April where things are a bit dicey, but the rest of the time…I am not going to say it’s OK, but…’



‘When you talk about Chris, I always get the sense that is separate from this. That’s over there, and this is…What you describe there sounds like a healthy grieving process, whereas this got stuck.’





‘I didn’t feel good having that thought, but at the time I just wanted it to be over. I then explained to R that I want to have a deep discussion on how this has affected me. She offered that even though I say I don’t know how to face it, perhaps I already am, by talking to her and also to friends.



She seemed to think there had been a shift, as we didn't talk so much about the experience itself. I'm not entirely sure. Other things were uppermost.