I feel the need to skip across to my step dads inappropriateness tonight.
On the flip side he knew he was a "ick and had trouble with expressing emotion, he said his dad rubbed off on him. He didn't make apologies but at he end of the day it was the way he was and on occasions he would open up about his past and his dismay at not getting football boots....
He did hit me...very often. He hit me across the head all the time with ceramic cup etc. and why wouldn't I have some ill feelings towards him. But my neighbour explained that he was only 21 when my mum fell pregnant and he must have hinted that he was not ready. So she said that he did his best despite the circumstances. I had a sneaky suspicion that my mother unintentionally trapped him too.
When I had a breakdown at age 18, many of his comments stick in my head because as you will see he was quite ruthless. I will try to surmise - I was spreading myself too thin and I was utterly conflicted - one part of me desperate to succeed yet another part happy to sit back and destroy completely. In short I was suicidal. I went to hang myself one night and I failed.
I ended up in Psychiatric ward of main hospital in town. My suicide attempt did not work and my family did nothing while I was in the throes of a psychotic episode which could have been intercepted earlier. In some peoples eyes I had all ready gone past the point of no return. I seemed to be going through a cycle of lucidity then an episode then back to lucidity before everyone decided that was it. I had well and truly f$%ked up any chance of a normal life in my home town.
Once I returned home. Stable and on medication. I was about to enter the remission phase. I was never warned that my brain was going to shut down due to all this trauma as a defence so I was in essence going to be depressed off my back side for a long time, and it was a part of the process of anyone who goes through an episode.
So I get that my family would have been really confused as well. And I would have been better going somewhere I could rest.
So my life had crumbled before my very eyes. And my step dad goes about his usual business and so does my mother leaving me alone most of the day thankfully. Even though the doctor consulted with my family, I am flabbergasted as to why they never asked the doctor if I would ever return to my former glory because I was an over achiever - I trained at a university alongside the Olympic squad, I was renowned for being intelligent??
My doctor proceeds to ask me "now Jennifer do you feel....dopey" and I snap back please do not condescend me.
I cannot begin to understand my mother and step-fathers reaction. All I know is that I cannot forgive him for saying "I wish she had gotten ill sooner then we could have put her into care.....I knew she would end up a waste of space...it was her all along"
I guess it was his ego protecting him from guilt.
And that when I was in hospital (ill and suicidal) that I was just a pathetic excuse of a human being.
My mother now believe what I am about to tell you - took delight in me being unwell. I was no longer miss perfect. She told as many people as she possibly could that I would never ever get better, because once a person ends up in the psyche ward, it's a just case of going back and forth your whole life (really do people not get better?) She thrived on the sympathy she got. When I was recovering and in a delicate condition she first forced me to claim benefits while living under her roof. She took pleasure in screaming in my face when she had a bad day that "you are SICK, you are sick and will need to be on medication the rest of your whole life" My step-dad I heard one night ranting "when are they going to find out what is wrong with her...the f*&king doctors said they cannot find anything wrong with her yet she takes medication" Now I wish my doctor was acting on my best interests but the fact of the matter is that psychiatrist can only label you on your second admission as I would later find out. I had had CT scans the full works.
I felt like I was all of a sudden a retarded junkie
I probably would have been better going into the hands of social work, and went down the route of supported living then my own flat on hindsight.