Still haven't contacted my friend. I am hoping she doesn' t think I am using my silence as a punishment, its just i know I need to expereince myself very much at the moment. I sat with a woman at work this morning who came by to visit before she comes back to work again after having lost her husband 2weeks before xmas and when she talked about that empty hole inside she feels now, my stomach jumped, I knew what she was talking about, except my empty hole cannot be talked about because I lost my mother before I even had the chance to know her, and sometimes I feel embarrased to say "oh I feel like I am mourning also" but until today I didnt realise exactly that I am, because I felt I knew exactly how it was going to be for her. My not contacting my friend has also triggered of the feelings of loss, I see I've used her to avoid feeling that deep loneliness one feels during grief, no matter how old the grief its un healed its still raw. I keep going to reach out and write my friend but feel I've got this far I might as well continue it. Grief is a very hard emtion to experince, it makes life seem hostile and unfriendly, and unfamiliar, like you've lost your sense of place in the world. I read somewhere that loss is as important to us in life as is birth, we become different people throuh loss and life is a journey of dying and rebirth. I don't know where I got the idea that life should be jelly beans all the time, wow that really is a silly idea, me thinks my inner child holds onto that believe, which is somethign else shes held onto , youth, the last few days its like another part of me waking up and I suddenly realised I am not an adopted child anymore, I am an adult, I feel the small chld in me jump with surprise with that revelation. I told the adopted child in me yesterday that I am not going to get all the answers to my questions and she stomped for a short while then seemed relieved that she can stop waiting for them, it gave the yearning a kind of boundarie that it has been lacking. It eased the anger to know that somethings ARE our of her control., lifes a mystery.