Yesterday I was at the hospital all day with my IRL best friend and her dad....bless him he is 84, he has something anormal in his colon and is waiting for a scan now to check his organs....It was very emotional as he and his wife and daughter are my second family....

He took us for a meal afterward,but he ate little and he's lost so much weight....I am praying hard for him.....

Anyway, I went to therapy afterwards, dad was very late picking m up which caused a lot of stress for me, so I only had 30 mins therapy after 3 weeks.....I sobbed as soon as I went in the room and asked my therapist for a cuddle, she gives great cuddles....I think she was quite emotional by the time I left...

Basically I have put on a brave face all over Christmas and the new year, which is not good self care as my old mask was ack on and feelings were bulding up. Everything came out in 30 mins of therapy and my t Is worried I'm spiralling downwards..she asked me to go back to my doc and see aout having my meds changed so I'm going on Friday....

I also have an assessment on 7 Feb a full hour..this time hopefully they will give me a diagnosis eithe clinical depression, bipolar or whatever's wrong with me, all I know is I suffer with epression, ptsd and insomnia, anxiety lol sigh.....

I have been hostile and aggressive just lately with everyone, my t says this is because I am scared...the feelings I am having are the same as the ones when I put a stop to the abuse at 15 andmy mum didn't believe me and carried on seeing my abuser (he was her lover and a pdoc).

I had to write this out I'm sorry if It'slong....I am the kind of person who needs to talk about it until it'sclear in my own head...I told huby twice last night I was in such a state.....I couldn't remember anything I'dsaid when I came out of therapy....

My dad picked me up and I had a good old cry with him and my step mum.....I apologised for everything because all my life I sort of blamed him for stuff.....I dont know why...I suppose I was hitting out at the wrong person....We are good, or getting there anyway.....

Again i apologise this is rambling...I have to get things out, it's just my way......thankyou for listening

Jinny xx