If I'm understanding you correctly, you become someone else to try and gain love and security? But when people are drawn to the person you are pretending to be, it gets all confused and it doesn't correspond with the rules you silently hold within your mind? It doesn't match up either, it was always meant to be a feeling that would make you feel you had finally got that what you have seeked??? but when you experience it IRL from another "object" it becomes to real and to scary?