Hello Everyone.

Ill try to keep this as brief as possible, however its been a long road with so many twists and turns that I almost lost track of the time line. But here goes...

I've been with my husband (were separated now) for 13 years, married for 9. We have two kids 6 and 3. We started having problems while I was pregnant with my second, so about 4 years ago.

The problems weren't huge or overly noticeable on the outside. They typically involved him just having a general disrespect for my options and my thoughts, him being extremely controlling with every decision that was made in the family, the marriage and even my own personal life. We met when I was 19, and prior to him I had very few short term boyfriends, so this was really the only relationship I knew, so i kept quiet thinking it was normal. But I was drowning on the inside.
Coincidentally, around the time we started having problems, I developed extreme health anxiety, I was in the doctors office 3x a month thinking I had some obscure terminal illness. It took me out emotionally. Thinking back, I'm pretty certain it was subconsciously a way to escape the misery I was in.

In February 2016, I had an affair. Its something I wasn't proud of and still feel awful about, however, at the time it felt like I had finally found a way out (another escape). The second the affair stated, I told my husband I was miserable and wanted to be separated. He agreed, but it was a confusing time for both of us and alternated between working on it and being separated. However the affair really clouded my judgement and I couldn't even think straight, let alone work on a marriage. But as affairs go, it ended horribly. I broke it off and confessed to my husband a few months later.
He was devastated, but still wanted to work on the marriage, I agreed to try but I was still miserable.

We worked on the marriage for a few months (therapy, trips etc), but things weren't improving so we agreed to separate again in April of this year.

Shortly after this separation, A long term co-worker and friend (8 years) approached me and told me he had feelings for me. He is also in the middle of a divorce and I guess saw an opportunity? (he knew about my situation). I also felt similarly, but never really entertained the idea because I didn't think it was an option. Things between us started getting a little more serious and we are still seeing each other currently, but due to our circumstances, mainly the kids scheduling, we don't see each other too often, a few times a week, maybe. Its a slow process, which we both understand is delicate, and I am fine with the pace of this for now, as we both have more important things to focus on.

The problem is, and I'm not sure why, but I still struggle with "Is this the right decision?". I go through scenarios in my head by the minute, and I cant understand why I am not completely confident that I am making the right choice. I feel happier while separated most of the time, even when I am lonely. But I have this lingering sadness, or guilt maybe? I'm not sure if it is just me transitioning emotionally and grieving the marriage? or if its regret? I just really done know the answer. I have filed for divorce, but haven't served them to my husband yet. Every time I think about doing it, I regress. I feel paralyzed with fear sometimes. I've become familiar with this limbo, and I'm scared to leave it. I guess it mirrors my marriage in that sense.
But its time to make a decision. I just don't know what to do.