i was not able to speak in school until about fourth or fifth grade. i was dramatically mute in preschool. i remember that i did not feel a single thing. i was very detached. i just existed without any feelings.

i got depressed in high school and didn't speak unless necessary and scripted at home or school.

i wonder if i was scared or detached or both. i am angry that no one helped me with these things even though they could see that i was not normal.

and if it is actually social anxiety or a reaction to home life and terrifying parents. i suppose the school environment was uniquely terrifying in its own right.

and i am wondering how this translates as an adult. if i snap away i will forget to do everything and fail out of school, etc. so i can't detach.

but also in my social life, which is almost nonexistent, i don't like to have unfamiliar conversations and new people. saying hi, how are you is fullfilling enough.

everything is such a chore.




now, when i talk, it feels like sometimes the words are coming from someone else. when i handle my parents, i gently coach them or i am a steady controlled presence for them. where do these words come from? they all seem so insincere.

i'm very very unhappy. somehow i have fallen into the trap of the dichotomy of either being in control or not being in control. in reality i'm never in control. it's all a facade. i feel like i'm pretending.