@ MickyCheeky
Thanks for writing in.
I have currently been referred to a psychiatrist and am waiting for the referral to come through after me finally deciding to seek help after 14 years of struggle. I have a follow-on appointment with my GP next Friday. I had my bloods tested and everything came back as normal.

@Regretful:
Thanks for writing in and sharing your experience.

@Singer47, [Edited to add stuff at 19:49 GMT]

Great questions and spot on. I didn't want to make it much of a longish post, but since you have pointed out, I think it maybe warrants more explanation.

I still work in Engineering, but don't program computers anymore. I struggled a lot during my years as a software programmer. I moved into software tester role and also later progressed into leading a team of test engineers.

But if I have to be honest I struggled with low self-esteem for many years (probably still do), because in my mind I felt I lost in the fight and that I was sidelined into a test role (with no disrespect to other test engineers or the profession) because I was not a good software programmer. Also, my friends and batchmates were fairing well and progressing into Software architect or development manager roles.

I always grew up being compared to my high-flying cousins (by my dad) one of whom is now a doctor and another is an investment banker. I was body shamed by my own dad and put down in front of people and family on numerous occasions, but I had imagined I didn't let all that bother me too much, come to think of it, I think I have it in my head that I am not good enough.

I am now married for 12 years and a 5-year-old boy, and I certainly am NOT missing out on "going out, partying and having fun" like the way I did in my 20's. I just wrote that as it seemed like having fun came more naturally and easily when I was younger. I have a reasonable social circle and some really good friends and do get invited to get-togethers and social gatherings and there are occasions when we have to play host as well, which I get feedback that I am a good host. But in my depressed phases, it's always a struggle and I put up a face during those meeting and lunches and dinners. I come back to my depression and sadness and guilt and feeling stuck.

What I really like doing and enjoy:
I am a people person and I enjoy films, photography and writing to some extent. I used to write a blog many years ago about life in general and had a few positive comments from time to time. I tried my hand at writing film reviews and book reviews.

I enjoy nature and outdoors. I have thought I may do better in HR and considered an MBA in HR.

I enjoy motorcycle riding. I used to be part of a riding club and have done cross-country riding over long distances, both solo and as part of groups.

At one point, about 8 years ago, I took up theatre (in addition to coping with work) and also performed in a play to see if I enjoyed acting. I did enjoy it and it worked great until it lasted and then I was back to being my depressed self.

I do enjoy films and enjoy the characters intensely and have thought I would have perhaps done better in films or across some aspect of filmmaking.

But then again, I am currently paying a car loan and we are also loosely talking about buying a house, which we can afford just now with a mortgage, with both me and my wife earning. If I make a decision to quit my job and do something new, then it will have a huge financial impact.

My wife wants to have a second baby as time is passing by and I feel I am struggling with my depression and ups and downs. I too would love a second child, but am also worried if it is something we (or I) can handle with the struggle of handling my own depression.

My best friend and my wife tell me it's my job as I take a lot of stress from work and that I should quit. If I quit, I may be much less stressed for some time. But I am also worried what if I don't find what is it that I wish to do next ? and what if I get onto something and remain depressed?

I think what I am trying to figure out if it is really my work that is causing my depression ? or if I am generally depressed regardless?

I have written a more detailed and longish post here ->
https://forums.psychcentral.com/depr...ards-life.html