Well that was the absolute worst session ever.

I was so fragmented... when he began talking about the trauma processing protocol, I got so resistant like just thought it was completely stupid. I just had this huge wall up and got really irritated. There was just no connecting after that.

He said he doesn't think I'm ready. Fine.

I asked him what I should work on instead. He said he didn't know. Fine.

I brought up the dilema over his question about "how does the trauma intrude into your life now" and how I don't KNOW. We talked about my stupid sex life... my weight/food issues... I'm so upset right now I can't even explain this right, because it was fine...it was fine. Just.

I was able to tell him that I was really upset. I asked if we were ok, we are. I asked if he still wants to work with me, he does. But I am so freaking upset right now.

Then he was just like "we need to wrap up" ....which made me feel s*** too.

Left. Slammed my car door, I'm furious but I don't know why nor at who. Cried in a rage. Fighting waves of SI urges. Fighting waves of ED urges. Fighting my horrendous snappy *** mood now - trying not to snap at DH or my daughter.... but I wish she wasn't here because I just need to freaking cry and not take care of anyone.

I hate everything.