I've seen my T twice this week and feel just about ready to write about it here.
I've been having nightmares
And I've also been feeling like an imposter at life. Like, looking at my history and my mind and thinking "How can I lead this normal life and do all the things I need to do? Am I even capable of being a person?" And a lot of desire for self-destructive behaviour.
I had an emergency appointment on Monday because I felt awful. He fit me in straight away which I appreciated a lot. I told him about a dream and he didn't comment on it. I asked him why. He said I am judging myself a lot at the moment and he's concerned that anything he might say might be heard through those filters. I said his silence was heard through those filters too.
In spite of that, he accepted me even with all these awful thoughts. I told him everything that was going on. He said what age is this coming from. It was my teenage self. The bit of me I don't accept. I can't let that in. He said that part of me is demanding a voice. What happens if I allow it a voice? I said that part of me might become fixated on seducing him. Seduction is control and it is protection.
If I can seduce the other, they aren't controlling me, and they can't abuse me. That's how the teenage part works. I said it will be a lot of work. He said "it's more work for you than it is for me" which I heard as "I don't give a s***".
I said I don't know how to access that side of me but towards the end of the session I started to feel the teenage, rebellious and flirtatious part of me come through in the way I was speaking to him. I was feeling different and I think he saw the change in me. It felt safe enough to not deny that part of myself. It was only brief and I commented that I felt different when I allowed myself to think that way. I felt vulnerable.
It was the end of the session. He was quiet. I said "what are you thinking?" He said "I'm thinking, this is going to be hard work.".
I am reminded of the time he said he feels he is holding something fragile and is scared of dropping it. I think he sees my vulnerability at the moment and is afraid of harming me.