Sounds like a tough position to be in. Are you still working on yourself with a therapist? I am a believer that when serving those papers, having total confidence in such a decision makes a world of difference.
Had an online friend during a couple of years prior that said she would only leave when she could no longer stay. Was part of a small group. During that time in my life my belief adjusted that reasoning as I needed to see things through my own lenses, that how could I leave if I didn't know how to stay. My end result was more I would only leave when I could no longer stay due to safety concerns and grave fears of how staying could be worse for my kids than leaving due to his temperment. But I've gained insight that if I wasn't resolving my baggage through this, I'd risk landing in a much worse scenario. Not sure my own experience helps. Came to mind as it seems you're searching for answers that don't seem to come.