There´s no rant forum on here but there should be……This is just a long stressed sad rant it´s
3AM here and i´m awake stressing about the silliest little problems but they are huge have you heard of the butterfly effect? They say every little choice you make can change the entire course of your life.

I´m terrified and scared and crying and tired because i was supposed to go to my friends party tomorrow and i promised people but i´m terrified of going i´m literally so scared of it i´m sick
I thought my social phobia was better but the thought of being in a strangers house with alcohol and strangers i don´t know is terrifying
But if i don´t go my life will be ****, i need to be social, successful, put myself out there, make connections, live, i won´t be young forever and i´m wasting my teens sitting in my bed watching netflix alone

I know i know i sound like a brat and yes this isn´t a real problem i ****ing hate myself why can´t i just be normal and ****ing go to a stupid birthday part like everyone else
I want to quit it all please God can i finally
I´m so terrified of going i know i´ll mess up
But if i stay home i´ll have a lonely sad evening like always plus the friend i promised will no longer be my friend and i´ll finally lose all of them, haven´t seen them in months and months anyways
If i was the perfect me i´d show up in a pretty outfit and act casual and experienced and have a glass of whatever it is they drink and talk to people and maybe dance a little
And my ex would text me and i´d be like ”i´m at a party” and he´d be jealous ad want me back but instead I´M A PATHETIC MOUSY GIRL WHO DOES NOTHING, WHO WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING. EVER. There is no point in trying anymore.

If i stay at home i´ll cry and be relieved i didn´t have to go but also hate myself for being so boring and weak.
I´ll try to make it nice though. I can take along bubble bath. Bring Hippo and a rubber duck and bubbles and pretend like i´ma kid again. And i´ll probably give in and text my ex how pathetic i am and he´ll be really sweet but he´ll want me less.

Someone please decide for me please please please i am not rational i make everything a big deal and i need someone to decide for me