Thank you for adding the link, so it became more easy to understand your situation!

I hope I don’t make your day worse by telling you that I got 3 main-ideas in my head after reading about all this:

My first thought was that you perhaps still struggle to try to be good enough for your father (your unconscious remembering of him). To be well can make you feel good enough, but at some time all his critique (still unconscious) starts again and you fall into depression. (These are only my thoughts, but I wanted to mention them for you so you can think a bit around them). May be thinking about it may help you to really want to do something about it (with professional help this time). I mean you cannot change the past, but now you are a grown up and can decide what to do for yourself.

My second thought was that what you describe seems a lot like bipolar disorder (light; that is 2 or cyclothymia).

And my third thought was that you DESERVE a good therapist.

In general: Both unipolar depression (usually called only Depression) and bipolar depression is about some sort of inherited vulnerability and a first trigger from outside that makes «the seeds to bloom». A Depression (unipolar) can be treated and never come back or it can come back from time to time or become chronic if the stress continues. An onset of bipolar disorder is an onset of a chronic disorder, but chronic does not mean always. This disorder can improve with right therapy. There are tools to learn to prevent. In both cases (depressed or bipolar) have the main responsibility for taking care and use the tools available is our own.
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Sorry, I deleted what should have stood here by an accident. I don’t have the energy to retype, but short what is what about: I advised you to find out what kind of therapy your insurances cover, - to eventually take some calls and find out who treats bipolar disorder with therapy and not medications only. (Say that you have had mood shifts in many years and want to be helped whatever diagnose you have). After all you have tried, you DESERVE to have a good therapist who is willing to take your problems seriously. Even if some of us have «seen» the bipolarity in you, you cannot be sure to have that diagnose. It might be something else. Whatever diagnose you are given, please cooperate with the therapist.

It is a big step to seek therapy. Trust me, we have all been there, but when the first step is taken the rest is more easy even if therapy goes a bit up and down. Remember you are not whatever diagnose you are given. You are you and the way you have presented yourself here, I think you can think well about yourself.

The problems around having more children or find a new type of work belongs in your future therapy. Please remember that what triggered your symptoms at first, does not have to be the same that make your depression continue now.


When I have made a point out of that you DESERVE therapy, I have thought that after all you have been true, you need a good coworker (therapist) and not medication alone. Don't be satisfied with medication only!

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An informative link to Bipolar disorder:
https://www.helpguide.org/home-pages...r-disorder.htm


An informative link to Depression:
https://www.helpguide.org/home-pages/depression.htm


I wish you well!