@Singer47

First, huge thanks for taking the time to read my long posts and reply with a well-thought-out detailed response.

It's a shame some of what you had written got accidentally deleted and you had to re-write a concise version, I hate it when it happens to me.

From all the reading I have been doing post meeting my GP, I also now have more reason to believe what I have is a version of Bipolar, I have had one episode of what ticks all the boxes for mania, in 2004 or 2005, when I was had grandiose behaviour, spending beyond my earning on a credit card, constant racing thoughts, incessant talking and announcing really huge plans (like quitting my job and making a movie, or doing an MBA from an ivy-league, without having the credentials or preparation) without any clear plans for achieving them.

A few close friends mentioned that they were seeing a different me and if everything was OK? A friend even today reminds me of that phase when according to him I was super hyper.

This phase was also pre-fixed with a few positive things happening at work and I was getting recognition for my contribution, communication, relationship building etc.

After this was a really long slump of depressed phase and I went extremely quiet, withdrawn, and lived a life of self-neglect trying to drown my sorrows in alcohol, cigarettes, films and the internet. This was also a phase when I lived on my own in a different city, so it was easier to do without my parents knowing for a really long time. My wife was working in another country and she knew and tried in vain to help me over the long-distance.

Years later, in retrospect, I thought that was just me letting small success get to my head and over-estimating my capabilities.

I never associated it with depression or bipolar at the time, and friends and family were none the wiser.

I thought I just had to get over my self-pity and be stronger with my willpower and get my act together.

It was only much later after many more longish episodes of sadness and self-neglect, that I did think I was dealing with depression, but one of my close friend (whom I respect a lot and take his opinion seriously) kept telling me there was no such thing called depression and it was just bad attitude, laziness, lack of drive, motivation etc. So I had more reason to believe it was just me and I could fix it myself if I was more disciplined and motivated.

Apart from that one super-hyper (I would classify this as the mania) phase in 2004/05, I have had a more recent episode (this was more controlled and I was actually productive in this phase, I wouldn't classify this as mania) of high-productivity, high-ambition, high-energy and performing and coping really well at work and putting in long hours, which felt very unusual and unnecessary to everyone around me, but was just ambition and going where I wanted to go for me.

I have mentioned this phase in my other post as well, where I was waking up really early and going to sleep really late and being super productive, getting work done, cooking, spending time with my little guy, socialising and being there for everyone and I was thoroughly enjoying this phase! until something happened, some trigger ( I don't know what this is!) and a super slump and downward spiral from there on.

I did also splurge a lot of money in this more recent high-phase under the guise of treating myself for all the hard work I am putting in, like spending a significant chunk of money out of pocket to upgrade a paid for economy flight ticket to business class etc, buying expensive gadgets that I really did not need. And I was NOT doing this on disposable income, it was on interest-free credit schemes and money that could potentially go into savings.

The down-phase started in May/June this year and up-until-now has been a super low depressed phase, self-neglect and weight gain of over 33 lbs up until now.

I am just fed up of this up phase and down phase cycling, physically, mentally and emotionally!

Anyway, I am glad I have taken the first step by seeking professional help in getting better or dealing with my condition better.

I did think about my suppressed anger and angst about my father that has been built into my subconscious mind during my growing up years has to be dealt with. Although my rational, reasoning mind says, I have to let go of the past, I think my subconscious mind is unable to and I have vivid memories of being insulted from my childhood.

So I met a hypnotherapist only recently to see if that would help, I went for 2 sessions and didn't see it going anywhere and it was after that I went to meet my GP and come out clean.

I only recently discovered this forum and feel like I am understood for the first time in a long time. My wife is super understanding and supportive, but there are times when I feel she just doesn't understand and I don't blame her for that.

Thanks for the reference links, I am NOT a huge fan of meds and have grown up not eating meds easily unless absolutely required. So I will seek the advice and help of a good therapist like you have suggested and to be honest, am willing to accept medication if that will help keep my mood constant.

Sorry for the long post again and thank you! Much appreciate it.

Cheers