Quote:
the funny thing is people often like me, I have a good veneer, but i can't properly have a relationship. so they like me from a distance.
it is disgusting of me but i have never been able to be with someone romantically (sexually?) without drinking or being incredibly stupid/yielding/full of lies. so now i don't know how to attach without attaching, if you know what i mean. I'm either closed off or reliant.
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I do not see your behavior as
disgusting, I see as a learned form of self-care. I suggest that somewhere along the line, probably in your childhood, you learned that it was dangerous to attach your genuine self to those around you, to allow your genuine self to be vulnerable. Thus now, as I see it, when you enter a relationship in which attachment could occur, you bring a nongenuine self to the relationship. Thus you defend/protect your genuine self.