sultry--I haven't talked to my friends yet, I just keep replaying the conversation in my head trying to find a way to say it, but my mind always throws me back responses from them that hurt even though they've never happened. I keep reevaluating like...waiting...because I know help would either be a reality check or the best decision of my life. waiting just makes me worry a bit, I don't like the thoughts...i haven't had them in so long and I didn't want them to come back...thank you for the honesty.

perna--I don't have a T. never have. I keep it hidden except here at PC...I guess I feel safer online...I don't want people irl to see this. To them I am a chipper upbeat happy go-lucky person...and usually I am. I just don't know. And I don't trust the methods of therapists within 100 mi of my hometown. I've researched them, but never actually gone.