I was very resistant to going to therapy this week. Last weeks session was a disaster, I got very triggered about a third of the way in and couldn't come back from it.
So this week I didn't want to go and at first was really angry about being there. But somehow we ended up sharing a LOT of trauma stuff with new T, much more than has ever been shared with anyone before.
I talked about how last week I had read an article about ACE (adverse childhood experience) and resilience scores and how it helped me realize that our childhood was pretty harrowing. Out of 14 resiliency factors we only had one which is we are independent. (There are polls in the survivors of abuse forum if you are interested in finding out your own ACE and resiliency scores). So we talked a lot about the part of us that is fiercely independent and how that part of us helped us get through childhood. We also shared a lot about our mother who not only didn't protect us but knowingly set us up to be abused. We have a lot more work to do around that yet. We have never said all of those things together in one place before. We talked pretty much non-stop which is very unusual for us.
When time was up we left and we felt very light and unburdened. It was odd and a great relief to feel that way after seeing the new T. I suppose for the first time I felt positive and hopeful about doing therapy with this new T.

Thinking about it afterwards I realized that although I initially hated this therapists style (she says VERY little, mostly she just listens and goes Hmmmmm a lot. Sometimes during a long silence she will ask a question but that's it.) But I realized although I have hated this style it was because of her non-interruption that we were able to keep talking without getting triggered by anything she said (as sometimes happened with previous T). So maybe we will be able to do some deep work with this therapist after all.