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I agree that you were raped. Honestly, if you had been more insistent that you did not want to do it, he may have physically hurt you. You survived, and you now have what you describe as a great relationship with a good man. Concentrate on that, but at the same time, if you continue to feel bad about what happened when you think about it, you may want to seek help. It could be as simple as sharing with a close and trusted friend or seeing a therapist.
Everyone does things they regret. It's natural. Just remember, what happened to you does not reflect on you, it reflects on him.
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"Do you know what’s really scary? You want to forget something. Totally wipe it off your mind. But you never can. It can’t go away, you see. And… and it follows you around like a ghost."
~ A Tale of Two Sisters (Janghwa, Hongryeon) (2003)
"I feel like an outsider, and I always will feel like one. I’ve always felt that I wasn’t a member of any particular group."
~ Anne Rice
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