I shake my head, speechless.
Thinking to myself - is all this depression and anger really a waste of time? No meaning at all to what I am experiencing? Nothing that needs to be fought? Just my anger?

I'd always seek reasons for my anger. I think it's fair, considering my past and how the environment has made me feel over the years.
But there's talking about growth, being productive, going to mars, and my current condition is I see no hope for humanity.
Probably, because I can't see hope for myself.

Even if I take care of myself, I'll regret the time wasted being how I am right now, so I'll always be in a lose-lose situation.

Things have angered me in life. I think it'd be fair to fight for those feelings I experienced - that anger. But it has never been released. It had no place. So it means I have no place.

Why does the future seem so good for humanity, while I and others suffer?

Please, someone help me out.
I don't think I want to live, because since my time has already been wasted, then why should I "retry" when my accumulated experiences are nothing compared to most people? Thriving would probably be an imaginary concept for me because of my experiences. I just wish I could grow in a better home, instead of being in a mentally unhealthy home where I'd have a hard time growing and bending with my environment.
The problem with that view however, is I'd be accusing my home and the people who have raised me here.

I think with all this pain, I'll always be losing.
I have experienced "growing" people who hurt or neglect because you are not growing.
A "friend" scolded me with great anger that I do not grow and "always hit the brick". I was extremely frustrated with him when he said that. He will no longer be my friend for it. Worst thing is - he doesn't care. So much for "personal growth" - hurting others and leaving them behind.

It's hard for me to be pro-life like this. I sometimes think of myself as anti-life... despairingly.