I’m confused, I thought I was doing okay. Then I went to WAWA’s I had to wait for our drinks without my husband near me, he was pumping gas. I looked homeless, I felt everyone staring at me. I almost left without the drinks. I got to the car and told my husband. He said I’d be just as paranoid if I stayed in the car and he got the drinks. He’s right. I usually pick the lesser of the two evils. Which one I will have less paranoid thoughts.

I’m starting to think my husband and I would do better separated but how is that going to happen if I can’t even get drinks before flipping out. Right now I wish I thought of him as my god again instead of us separating being best. I can’t tell him about it without hurting him. I still look homeless right now but I don’t care at least I don’t smell. It costs $500 for a divorce so even if he did agree it would take about a year to save that much but he won’t agree. I’m sleeping to avoid everyone/thing. I just don’t know what to do. I’m hoping this passes. What if I do really want a divorce? What if I’m just paranoid of him too? What if all I want is to self destruct? What if I’m preparing myself to exit life? How do I know for sure? I don’t want new meds or up on my meds. I’ve lived like this as long as I remember. They deserve so much better than me.