Three months ago, when he was in the hospital very sick with an infection, he became confused. They put a sitter watching him. He had become a behavior problem. They said he was "very stubborn" and had "swung at" someone.

Being immersed in continuous caregiving for year after year can wear a person down. I see that I am being consumed by his needs and losing track of tending to my own welfare. From what I read that's not uncommon for people in my situation. I think there's also a thankless aspect to my situation that has a lot to do with making it so demoralizing.

Dementia does make it harder for him to see past himself. But the attitude of being so annoyed with me so often was there going way, way back. Back 5 years ago, his children told him to stop going back to visit them. He said they called and said they thought it was too strenuous on him to make the trip. Then they told me that they were tired of him visiting them annually because they found him to be "a pain in the @$$." They said he acts too irritable around them and their children. They said he hollers too much. He said they told him to stay home and they would come visit him instead. In the past 7 plus years, he had one visit from one of them. That one visit seemed prompted by the VA calling them saying that he was deteriorating and should have a guardian appointed and probably should be "placed" in a longterm care facility. That visit was over three years ago. I agreed to provide the support needed to let him stay at home in his apartment, if he would act reasonable and accept a home attendant helping out, which he originally was opposed to.

So I've provided a great deal of support. Now I am in need of feeling cared about and supported. I think, if I felt less alone and less disrespected, it wouldn't seem so hard to carry on. I feel unloved by him. Or rather - he loves like a child. He says he likes me being here. But who wouldn't? I don't want to be with him just to be serving him.

I know my level of upset is beyond what just being "snapped at" warrants. I agree with that in the post above that it wouldn't hurt so much if other things were okay in my life. It's what the snaps represent to me and how they remind me of all the mean ways he's talked to me in years past. I am reminded of how willing he was to exploit me whenever he had a need he could get met through me. And I think this is all I've gotten out of life. And I wish I had never been born.

I guess when he had such severe recurrent sicknesses, I thought he wasn't that long for this earth and that I might as well hang in there for what time he had left. It felt like a job I wanted to finish. Lately, though, the days I spend with him seem like eternities. He doesn't seem to have anything to say to me. He likes when I am cheerful and talk pleasant to him, if he is in the mood to be talked to. I praise him for any effort he makes and tell him how nice he looks when he is cleaned up. I need to hear something back once in a while, instead of being just taken for granted . . . and worse. I feel starved for kindness.

Maybe, as a start, I could try and get a second attendant. Medicaid would pay for it. If I went home to my own place and spent less time here, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. Maybe he would even be nicer when I am around. He doesn't seem to like being left with an attendant. I have to not let that bother me. I can't give him an ideal existance.