My S.O. snapped at me yesterday morning. I was encouraging him to stand up straight, so I could pull up his pants. He gets irritated with listening to me. I've been awful depressed since.

For over two weeks, I keep falling into severe depression. I haven't even brushed my teeth today, or yesterday. This is a severe reaction to a momentary bit of mutual antagonism. This is the worst I've been since 2013. I've gone to the psych facility, called hot lines and accessed on-line crisis chats. No one I've talked to seems to see what the big deal is. So I've felt stupider and stupider. Finally, this evening, I called a domestic abuse hot line. I felt stupid doing that because I'm not a victim of any kind of domestic violence. There is a long history of not being treated very nice by this guy I've stayed involved with, but no one forced me to stay with him. I'm the one who kept chosing to stay in this relationship. So I have no one to blame, but myself.

The counselor at the DV line was very understanding and gave me encouragement. In 2005, I went to a DV shelter for 3 months. We were living together and I had lost my job. He was pretty disgusted with me for that and had been telling me and telling me what a losers I was. For years, I had been a pretty reliable source of income. I had supported him repeatedly duriing the years that he drank heavily. Back then, he would steal from my pocketbook. I was very generous to him when he had been down and out, and he was very inclined to exploit that anyway he could. Then I was facing failure, and he was good at rubbing my nose in that. While going to support groups recommended by the DV shelter, I learned that it can be hard to extricate oneself from a bad relationship. That is impossible to explain to anyone because it makes no sense. But people experienced with domestic abuse don't need an explanation. So this counselor I talked to was able to hear how hard everything seems to me.

I don't believe in dredging up ancient history, but it seems relevant. My parents had a lot of emotional turmoil in their marraige. I was used to people talking awful to each other. My father was emotionally abusive to everyone around him, including me. In comparison to what I grew up with, my boyfriend seemed to offer a lot of warmth. I was really in love. At times we got along really well and I felt happier than I ever had. There would-be be these episodes of him calling me an effin a-hole, pretty much whenever he was drunk. Then he was always so sorry.

Now he doesn't drink. But he has these spells where he sounds like he just about can't stand me. He pretty much lets me know, from time to time, that he wishes I would just shut the eff up. Sometimes it seems like he finds it annoying to listen to me when he's watching TV, which is whenever he's awake. He needs help for every single thing, as I've explained in threads before. He can't get on and off the toilet without help. I've been telling him he better stop snapping at me, or I'm going to leave. Yesterday morning was like the final straw.

Suddenly, I feel like I don't want to be around him anymore. I have my own apartment 5 miles away, but I can't just suddenly abandon him. He has some dementia and some partial paralysis. I get this way periodically and it blows over. This is lasting and lasting for weeks. I'm very depressed, and he seems to have no concern for that. He never did. He used to say, "You just do that to yourself."

I'm thinking of leaving him. I'm thinking of telling his adult kids that I won't keep caring for him . . . that I need to go home to my own place and mainly worry about taking care of myself. I could also tell the VA social worker that I'm just finally burnt out for good. This is a way bigger decision than I can make anyone understand. He'll end up lisimg his apartment and going in a nursing home. He'll lose all the benefits I worked so hard to get him - the VA pension for aid and assistance and the Medicaid program that pays for a home attendant. Those benefits are a great deal of money that I put a very great deal of effort into getting and setting up for him. Even though they pay for help in the home, it's not help 24/7 - which he requires. And someone has to manage that help - sceduling, etc. Without me organizing everything, it all falls apart.

I am barely managing to feed him and keep him clean. Dishes pile up for two days before I do them. I stay in bed half the day. He doesn't really care what I do. I was doing a good job for the past 3 years. Suddenly, I seem to have fallen apart. Suddenly, I can't stand the way he snaps at me. Suddenly, I look back and think he has never cared much for me . . . except that I came in handy when he had any problem of any kind.

I had problems with depression way before I met him. Maybe I'm just blaming him for my own unhappiness now. With his dementia, he can't really think of sweet, appreciative things to say. But then he was never the grateful type ever. He tells me not to hang around, if I don't feel like staying. He says that I can leave and he'll be just fine without me. Maybe kis kids and the authorities will just leave him on his own to rot here. In this senior apartment complex where he lives, they find people dead in their apartments on a regular basis. No one seems to think that's any big deal. They'll offer him "Meals on Wheels," and tell him he can stay here with just the attendants coming around. He'll wind up covered with feces. Sorry for that graphic, but that's the reality. So, even if I leave, I'll have that worry on my head.

Sometimes, I see no way to untangle myself from his problems. Maybe I'll wind up worse depressed, walking away from him. It will be just one more thing I fail at. That leads me to awful thinking.

I called all over town and beyond trying to find a psychiatrist. I was hoping maybe something like a stimulant drug might help me to spend less time in bed. I could find no one who would see me. Another drug might not even help. In the past, I pretty much tried everything. Someone understanding might help me pull myself together. Usually, they don't say much that's helpful. I dream of just falling asleeo forever. I take Vicodin to try and feel better.