Something developed at home which made me really need T last night. I called him crying (which is NOT something I normally do) asking him to call back the next day (today).

I went to my internship today and after I ran my first group and came back to my office there was a message from him. He asked me to call back to tell him a good time to call, but regardless, he would try back again. So then I press his name on my cell phone address book to call him back and it's ringing and ringing and I'm wondering why his office message isn't picking up-- then I look at my phone and realize that I accidentally called his cell phone!!! (He gave me his cell phone number before I left to go to the new office for the first time so I could reach him immediately in the event that I got lost. It was NOT mentioned that I could call it in crisis and I think it pretty much goes unsaid that I am not supposed to use that number, lol. Yikes, he must trust me a little bit). So of course I hang up the phone and then call back his work number and leave a message in which I am apologizing profusely for calling his cell phone saying I never meant to do it.

He calls me back just a few minutes later and as he's talking I just interrupt him and I'm like, "DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE?" And he's like, "No not yet-- I was just trying you back---" "CAUSE I DIDN'T MEAN TO CALL YOUR CELL PHONE!! IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT!! I HAVE BOTH NUMBERS IN MY ADDRESS BOOK AND I PRESSED THE WRONG ONE!!!" Of course he calmly says, "It's okay." OMG, I felt like I broke the worst therapeutic boundary ever.

Then we talked. I told him my reason for calling. I told him I never wanted to call him again, ever, but I just had to. He made me promise, of course, to stay safe. He said, "I want to see you Saturday. It is important to me." I asked, "Do you hate me?" And he he said, "Why would I hate you?" He asked me if it felt like everyone hated me right now and I said, yes.... yes, in fact, it does. He told me I could call back in between now and our Saturday session if I need to, as long as I am staying safe.

I sort of love him again, but with unresolved issues. I still plan to tell him of my anger.