I sent her the email. Please tell me what you think....

Hi,
I actually wanted to talk to you about something the next time i see you, and this is my way of preventing myself from "chickening out" and not bringing it up. I think that was the point of a lot of my previous emails, although it never does tend to come up. but at least i know you know. Anyway...

Today something happened that i wasn't expecting. Something you said at the very end of session, and now i don't even remember what it was you said, I think something having to do with ___, but whatever it was struck me hard. Hard enough that i was on the verge of tears, which i didn't think would ever happen with me. (most times when i'm talking with people, even though i feel the emotions, i don't let myself cry until i'm alone.) I was wondering if you sensed that something upset me, and you knew i had work so you didn't want to get into anything more, and that is why you ended so abruptly. Or if you just ended because it was time to end and you knew i had to get to work, not even sensing anything was wrong?

This was very hard for me because it seems like we danced around all session just chatting (which i do enjoy) and then finally when something important and emotion-stimulating came up it was cut off. I feel almost robbed of the moment. Not that its your fault, thats just the way it happened. The ending of session is not really easy for me to begin with, but then adding something intense like that really was difficult. It's like, when your about to sneeze, and you feel it building up, and finally its about to come and before you can even sneeze someone says "BLESS YOU!" and all of a sudden you don't need to sneeze anymore. Well, you said bless you too fast. (hehe, sorry i'm amusing myself) and although i understand you had to, and it was time, etc, it was just a difficult note to leave on.

Also, and this kinda ties in to that a little bit, i feel like if i don't come to you with something concrete prepared in my head then we have nothing to talk about. I don't like having to prepare as much as just coming in to seeing you with no agenda, and enjoying the moments, feeling whatever, and experiencing whatever emotions come. Instead of having to plan what it is i want to bring up. I mean, obviously you're not a mind reader and you don't know what it is i want to talk about, and if there is something i know i want to bring up usually i do... but sometimes i wish you'd help me a little and pick topics that you know are relevant/important/need to be experienced when it seems as though i have nothing to give you. Its hard having to dance around to different topics until i find something that sparks your interest and you participate in conversation about. If you haven't noticed, it's not gonna work for me just going in there, spilling my guts while you sit and nod, and then me leave feeling better. i need feedback and reassurance. Don't get me wrong, you do participate and move it along. Most of the time. And i do like when we're just talking, even if it doesn't have to do with me, because i like at least having a conversation and connecting. It's when one of us is disconnected and i feel like its my responsibility to bring us back somehow, by bringing something relevant up. I like talking to you, even if its just about the weather or about a movie we've both seen, so wasting precious time figuring out what to say is distressing.

I don't want this email to be the end of these topics, and i do want to talk about it with you more in person and hear what your response to this is. But right now, i'm a little upset over this and i'd appreciate, if possible, for you to briefly respond to this in the meantime. whether it be a return email or phone call if you think that would easier or more sufficient, i just need something to help me put this aside until monday.
thank you
krazibean