I don't want to go back.

I had my session on Monday. This is bad I can still remember the session and what he said by today - normally I've forgotten, or at least gotten over the emotional response to it.

Not this time.

I was saying how my family was emotionally distant. He goes on to say that I am 'emotionally distant' as well. And that HURT. A lot. I don't think I'm emotionally distant. I mean, I sometimes control my anger/sadness so I can function, but overall - I'm an open-book. If I'm upset, you're going to know it.

I don't know if he's off his rocker... or maybe I am. Or maybe I don't show emotion as much as I should in session. Maybe because I dont always know what I'm feeling he sees that as emotionally distant??

It hurt. I tried to ignore the comment, but I still had to acknowledge it. I said I needed to think about it. Unfortunately, I have and I DONT LIKE IT.

Emotionally distant is not something I'm described as on a regular basis by people. Emotionally volatile, maybe. But distant, no.

... I don't want to go back. He wasn't there to help me through my grandfathers death, my dogs death and to prepare me for my Christmas home with my family. This first session back was useless.

I have another appointment in two weeks. He thinks everything is fine. It isn't. I've had bad thoughts and urges (I've got problems with SI and depression at the moment....) and I didnt get to tell him about it because I was trying to go through the stuff that's happened to me since I last saw him (which was a month!).

I don't like him. I don't hate people, because that's mean. But dammit, I hurt. I dont think I can tell him how it upset me either.

I can't phone him because the way the system works is that I can only talk to him if I'm in crisis and that's only on Monday/Wednesday and only 9-4pm.

ARGH. I am SICK of people calling me names. That's what it boils down to... he doesnt like me anymore. He thinks I'm bad. He thinks I'm screwed up....

BAH.