I'm probably not supposed to be posting here anymore, but my account's still active, so I guess here we go...

The problem is I get snapped at enough and told I'm doing stuff wrong enough that I can't do anything (this is in both work and personal life) without fear of someone humiliating me or telling me I'm doing it wrong/not fast enough. I think I spend a good portion of my time apologizing for everything. For lack of a better way to describe it, I spend each day walking on eggshells waiting to find out what else I've messed up on.

I've been pretty much cut off cold turkey from any support system. Not like I have much of one anyway...no family other than parents and they won't deal with the emotional stuff. I'd have to have permission to call them anyway. Can't have friends if you're a terrible, emotionally needy person who needs a support system and doesn't have the skills to make and keep friends anyway. My SO can't stand me anymore (because of depression etc.) so that's out. I'm not sure if I'll see him outside of couple's therapy. He's supposed to come for dinner before therapy this week. Probably something else I'll screw up. I can't feel any sort of negative emotion for any reason that night. Feeling it and just keeping it to myself isn't good enough.

We hadn't seen each other in almost a week and we had dinner after a concert we both played on on Sunday and I think he spent an hour, maybe longer talking to someone else and I was alone. It was my fault because I encouraged him to join the conversation in the first place. I figured he'd talk to the guy for 10-15 minutes, not until we left. And then I couldn't hide that I was mad/hurt about it. How does one hide feelings?! Is it even okay to be upset in those circumstances?

Also depressing is that where I live, my skills and talents are going to waste and they're starting to atrophy. I have no idea where to go for sure, nor do I think I can go alone with NO support system anywhere in order to find some place where I might be able to use my talents. There's just roadblocks everywhere...metaphorical doors slammed in my face.

So I guess I just stay home when I don't have work, errands, or laundry to do and just hope I don't waste away too much. Or just hope something will end me soon.