I haven't b*rned in so long and I just did it. I am a complete failure

I haven't done it in about 9 months and now....I couldn't help it.
I have too much to go thru and too much hurting my heart right now. I have been feeling like I have been walking in a fog and constantly feeling tired and drowsy. I guess I just needed a way to "feel" again. I needed to know that I am still alive and this is real and not a dream.
I just am feeling like crap right now.