I would call tonight's session "OK." Neither good nor bad.

Things have been really nuts at work, and I'm stuck in "mile-a-minute" mode, which came through in therapy today. I couldn't settle down. I still can't settle down (I'm still working...actually...it's 7:30PM but, whatever) So..this may come across hurried/anxious/completely manic...

He explained the "method" to me better -- it's all about sharing the story with someone who understands and "gets it," and experiencing them connecting with you.

He used the example of how, after nearly missing a bad car accident, a person usually contacts people who care about them and relates the story, because they are charged up with this fear and these emotions. In telling the story to another person who cares and "gets it," the theory is that they process the emotional experience and are able to move forward.

But, after traumas such as mine (ours), for whatever reason (because it's unsafe to do so or because we fear it would be unsafe) we don't talk about what happened.

So, I am far more comfortable with doing this method someday; we both agreed I'm not ready right now. I also told him that I've been REALLY irritable since our session last Friday... he suggested it might be because we had talked about whether I was ready for something quite scary... I immediately shot down the idea that this was what caused my irritability, but I kind of wish I hadn't shot it down, because I'm not really sure.

I wound up talking basically non-stop...he couldn't get a word in edgewise.

He asked how I felt when he offered me reassuring words via email, and I explained that "it hurts but feels good" sensation I get and have always gotten when someone has said something comforting. We talked about how "internet me" (including email me) is very very different from "out loud" me. Who I am here and via email is far more who I really am... He asked me if I would ever consider letting "this me" (the online one) be expressed in real life. I said no way (although never say never)... and then I went on a veeerry long ramble about how "this me" used to be the out loud me, but I lost all of my friends and explained the huge amount of work i'd done to change things so that this me isn't "out loud."

But...now that I think about it...I also then told him how I had been small and vulnerable with S. Hm. So I guess maybe this me DID eventually come out in S's office. I hope C picked up on that - I didn't really realize it til right now.

Ugh I am seriously still just going a mile a minute here....

But that pretty much covers it.

I actually feel even more detached now than before. To the point where it isn't even really painful (well, the pain is hiding, I can feel it..I feel that stupid inner desire to connect and for reassurance and safety with him...) - but mostly, I feel like i could go the rest of this week not even thinking about him... and I feel very strongly that I shouldn't email him this week... probably something to do with his asking if I'd consider asking for reassurance out loud... because now I'm terrified he's going to take it away via email and is going to try to force email me into the room with him instead..like, you only get my reassurance if you ask in person...and he might take away email completely or he will just stop responding so much.... aaaand I'm crying.

Ok fine. I have feelings, and I hate it. I don't even want to be in my own skin right now.