So alas I caved in wrote my friend explaining how I hope she isn't thinking my silence is a punishment and how I know I cannot be in a healty relationship with her right now. She was as kind as ever and said no she can't just be all for me and that she wants me to do whatever it is I need to do. I think part of me was looking for signs of her being desperate for me, I'd never associated stalking with what i do, but until therapy I would have a an unconsoius process of selection of her would become my latest mental hostage. Normally women older than myself and those that I had awarded perfect mummy assets too. Then they would be in my mind day and night and I would dream up all diferent seniros of them caring for me. Since therapy this has become much more controllable and I can kind of give myself a mental kick when I feel it happening. At times like that it feels like a child happily playing with toys but being called for bed time, that last resistant push of a toy before knowing the game is up and one has to do the right thing. But stalking? Yeah I guess my friend I know where she posts because thats how we met online and I find myself reading her posts and feeling rejected that her words at to other people and that shouldn't be so my maddness tells me and then I feel angry at her because shes posting on these sites and I hate her for doing that. Or is it more that I hate me. What is going on in my head to think I can control another so? what do I think people are? only an object of my desire? unyet at the time it all seems so normal, its only when I look at my actions objectively do I see its not right. It seems that a small act of kindness is enought to hook me then I can't get unhooked. I don't want to be like this.